PHLGuide
Where To Break-Up In Philly So You Can Be Single For The Summer
photo credit: Nicole Guglielmo
Maybe it’s because everyone’s walking around half-naked this time of year, but Summer has become the official season to be single, mingle, and make margarita-fueled romantic decisions that you’ll come to regret by Fall. If you're in a nosediving relationship, once those sunny days hit, something about your partner’s laugh triggers you with the annoyance level of 100 tourists asking for directions to the LOVE Sign. For the best places to tell them, “it's not you, it’s me,” head to these 13 spots.
The Spots
photo credit: Gab Bonghi
You’re ready to tell them that you need space, so why not ask for it in one of the largest dining rooms in the city? Yes, the Thai restaurant in Fishtown has some of the best food in the city, but they also have a packed house every night. Because of the crowd, you’ll probably avoid a scene that begins in tears and ends with them exposing your name tattooed on their lower back. (We hope). Let them down gently over bird-shaped dumplings packed with peppery cod and crab meat stir fry so good that they may politely toast to end things with lychee negronis.
photo credit: GAB BONGHI
When your friends are heading to Ibiza and you want to hop on the afternoon flight, you need to hand out that relationship pink slip ASAP. For that, bakeries are perfect. One of our favorites is South Philly’s Machine Shop Boulangerie. They open at 9am, so it’s a perfect place to give someone an early morning excuse to call it quits, like being allergic to their eyelashes. They can eat their feelings in the form of blueberry tarts, twice-baked almond croissants, and sweet summer squash danishes. They also have lunch items like tomato focaccia, but you have a flight to catch and a summer fling to meet on the beach, so keep it light.
photo credit: Kerry McIntyre
So they’re weeping and saying that you should try couples therapy. Well, that’s what you think they said, because you’re at Condesa in Center City and can’t hear a thing over the latest Sabrina Carpenter single. The Mexican spot has good tacos and margaritas, but their sound system—which gets Lincoln Financial Field-loud—-is the draw here. Stop by during Happy Hour when empanadas, elote, and palomas are all under $8. It’s also when it’s so packed that you won’t be able to understand the pleading happening across from you.
Breaking up with someone means that you’ll be paying 100% of the rent soon—unless you’re planning to move in with one of the 30 people you swiped right on in the last hour. When a breakup coincides with a need to budget, there’s no better place to do it than at a dive bar. Queen Village’s The Dive has multiple drinks under $5, and it’s the kind of low-lit place where everyone just keeps to themselves—even if one of you blurts out, “You’re definitely not keeping the dog!” Grab a few shots of bottom-shelf tequila, tell them you’ll always be friends, and start looking for a new makeout partner.
photo credit: NICOLE GUGLIELMO
They’re obsessed with reading the ingredients in every product that they encounter, and you’ve decided that you don’t want to be with a boring person forever. Head to this restaurant in Bella Vista for crispy pork spring rolls, pork adobo dripping in soy, and an intimate scene to communicate the fact that this isn’t working anymore. The food here is fantastic—the best Filipino dishes in Philly—and there’s a community fridge full of bottles with small print on the labels if they need to pass the time after you leave.
photo credit: Nicole Guglielmo
Snuggling up in Winter was cute. Spring picnics in Rittenhouse were fun. But sometimes, a cold-weather hookup lasts a little too long, and your boyfriend needs a nudge to know that. Take him to Bok Bar, start talking about how there are so many fish in the sea, and let him know it’s time to cast his net. The summer pop-up in South Philly has rooftop views good enough to be on a Welcome To Philadelphia postcard and monthly rotating chefs—from Darnel’s, Jezabel’s, and Puyero. There are also dance parties and live DJs if you need to brighten the mood after a weird promise ring exchange.
We get it. We’d all love to break up at home, close to a familiar box of tissues and with our go-to ice cream in the fridge. But then you’d have to deal with an awkward, lingering exit. At Pizza Richmond, the talk can last as long as it takes you to scarf down a $6 slice of cheese pizza. There are old movies, comics, and video games inside, so they may want to reminisce about first dates or drunken “I love yous” while you’re trying to catch the end of Highlander. But there’s no need for a drawn-out exit here. Once your slice of pepperoni disappears, so can you.
photo credit: Rec & Royal
Sometimes the best way to dump someone is to convince them that it’s their idea. You’ve spent weeks leaving the juice on the counter and staying out late without a text, and they’re still talking about matching pajamas for a July 4th group trip. When this happens, head to Rec & Royal in Center City. It’s part-nightlife lounge and part-karaoke bar. So you can sing “I Will Survive” to drop some subtle hits or just make out with the first person you see near the glowing DJ booth. Either way, they’ll finally get the message.
photo credit: CANDIS R. MCLEAN
You’ve worked on your summer body for the last few months. And right now, the only person who has seen it is someone that you never want to see again. Work up the courage to tell them at Four Humors in Fishtown. The cocktail bar has classic choices and drinks named after Embiid's anatomy, and they’re almost all whiskey-based. Bring them to the bright dome of a bar and let them fall into a pit of despair at a bar with a near-endless supply of dark liquor.
So your aunt whose settlements from multiple divorces sustain her rich lifestyle told you she dumped her third husband at a steakhouse. She’s doing alright, so why not give it a go? The Center City steakhouse has old-school charm, stellar service, and great slabs of meat. It’s an allure that will help when they hear the worst news in months. Even if they storm out without paying half for the juicy, buttery porterhouse and stuffed hashbrowns, your aunt can wire you some money.
photo credit: NICOLE GUGLIELMO
A daytime spot with no seats might be hardcore, but so is listening to her mother judge your career for the rest of your life. West Philly’s Cleo Bagels offers a place to do a quick, top-of-the-morning breakup and walk out with the best bagel sandwich in town. During the week, there’s rarely a crowd. So it’s better to come on a Wednesday to get your hand on an everything bagel topped with scallion cream cheese or a Ramen Thing sandwich. For us, nothing says “have a nice life” like a gorgeous bagel. Just don’t get one for her mom.
photo credit: CANDIS R. MCLEAN
Big Bus Tours
Eventually, they'll have to pick a new place to live. Why not start by scanning the neighborhoods atop one of Philly’s burgundy tour buses? The tour guide's microphone will probably drown out the embarrassing bits and at least you would’ve taken one last trip together. Since there’s a 100% chance that you’ll stop at Reading Terminal Market, comfort dishes like roast pork sandwiches, stuffed pretzels, and creamy clam chowder await their sorrow. Plus, there’s always an old guy out front singing love songs, if they need to publicly sob and let it out.
