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Every generation craves the past. Oh, they wonder, what must it have been like to live back then?
Dirty French is a Brickell steakhouse that tries to answer that question. The interior is an amalgamation of late ‘70s and ‘80s cocaine dinner party energy, set to an endless loop of top 40 disco hits with a cast of servers dressed for the class of 1985’s prom. There is a wildlife reserve worth of animal print spread throughout the segmented restaurant, which splits into two dining rooms. In one, it’s all mirrored surfaces and crystal chandeliers. In the other, white tablecloths, zebra striped chairs, and a reptilian red lighting that makes diners look like pet lizards regulating their body temperatures.
photo credit: Major Food Group
But despite the best efforts of its heavy-handed aesthetics, Dirty French just doesn't feel like the kind of classic establishment with bartenders who’ve worked through multiple presidential administrations. It’s a reproduction—a glitchy, inconsistent one that proves there is no cheat code for nostalgia.
That’s not to say fun is nowhere in sight at Dirty French. Dinner here can feel like Halloween. It’s an excuse to visit that obnoxiously ‘80s section of your closet and dive headfirst into a cliche for one night. The martinis are cold and delicious, and the menu’s full of old school steakhouse staples that are hit-or-miss, but nonetheless presented with the oomph befitting an era when illicit stimulants were treated like daily multivitamins. If you’re not paying, even better.
photo credit: Kris Tamburello
And yet, there are bound to be moments during dinner that snap the illusion of retro indulgence. It might happen while waiting for your table at the bar, a punishingly shiny room you've been exiled to for 47 minutes even though you had a reservation. It could happen while cutting into your too-fatty prime rib with a neon pink steak knife. Or maybe it occurs during a bite of the stale bread that accompanies your oysters bourguignon, as you simultaneously recoil and spot a single Yeezy sticking out from beneath a white tablecloth.
Dirty French just doesn’t feel like an honest trip down memory lane. It’s not a true classic. Not yet. And it’s going to be a long time before this place earns the right to be such a frustrating dining experience.
Food Rundown
photo credit: Major Food Group
Giant Grilled Oysters Bourguignon
Shrimp Cocktail
photo credit: Major Food Group
Mushroom Millefeuille
photo credit: Major Food Group