One day, a friend might text you and say, “I’m having my birthday at Sushi Roxx.” Or your boss might send out an email informing everyone of the fact you’re having a company party here. Or maybe you’ll just see some grainy videos of bright lights, dancing, and sushi, then get curious - like we did. If any of these things happen, here’s a quick primer.
Sushi Roxx is a party restaurant in Midtown, and complaining about the quality of the food here feels about as productive as discussing the lack of photorealism in a first-grader’s portrait of his or her dog. So we aren’t going to do that. Well, actually, we are: the food is bad. But instead of dwelling on that, here’s a rundown of a typical experience at this place:
- A host takes you into a room filled with flashing lights and LCD screens.
- Your server shows you the menu, which happens to be an iPad.
- You’re informed of a two-drink minimum.
- Drinks arrive, then an employee mounts a small stage and starts waving a baton.
- Loud music begins to play.
- The servers spread out and execute a dance routine.
- A select few servers begin to sing, having been promoted past the rank of dancer.
- You think to yourself, “This is strange.” And also: “Why.”
- The performance ends, and your food arrives.
- You take a few bites, then experience memories of other, better food.
- At the peak of your disappointment, several employees appear and hand you a shot.
- “Take your shot,” they shout.
- You take your shot, then wonder if life is a dream.
- The employees depart.
- You reflect upon the inherent strangeness of being, and think about the fact that nobody told you what was in the shot you just took.
- You pick at your food, finish your drinks, then pay your bill and leave.
This, more or less, will be your experience at Sushi Roxx, a place that tends be filled with large groups and birthday parties that are trying to figure out if they’re having a good time. And maybe they are. This is a unique spot - and if your one goal at the moment is to eat some grocery-store-quality sushi while you listen to Toto’s “Africa” and stare at colorful strobe lights until your brain thinks it might be Spring Break, your wish is granted. Although you won’t see us here, as we’re now actively avoiding this place.
We’re pretty sure Duane Reade has sushi, and it probably tastes like the stuff they serve here.
The sushi pizza is like the sushi, only bigger and with crispy rice. Don’t order it.
These buns are filled with some generic form of beef. You don’t need them, but if someone asks if you want to come to a birthday party here and you accidentally say “yes”, they’re one of your least-worst options.
The cocktails here have names like “Baywatch” and “Kobra Kai,” and if you drink a few of them, this place will start to make a little more sense.