LDNGuide
Where To Break Up With Someone If You Really Can’t Do It On A Park Bench
photo credit: Aleksandra Boruch
So, you’ve decided. It’s over. That’s it. And you’ll be damned if you’re going to do it in the comfort and privacy of your own home like a normal person. You just can’t risk losing that big Le Creuset pot you bought together. Breaking up in public isn’t always a choice but you’ve made this one so you need the right kind of place. Quiet but not too quiet. Busy but too busy. Just remember, never go to one of your regulars.
THE SPOTS
photo credit: Aleksandra Boruch
The Chinatown Cantonese institution has a brisk and blunt approach to service and treats everyone the same: whether you’re dining solo, piling in with mates, or terminating the bond with someone you once thought was the love of your life. We find slurping wonton noodle soup is always a good, if entirely inappropriate, tactic during difficult conversations. Should things get really bad, know that Wong Kei is cash-only. So come prepared and you can throw down a £20 note (plenty, including tip) once the deed is done. It doesn’t feel great, but maybe you just went heavy on the chilli oil.
photo credit: Aleksandra Boruch
If you’re going for a walk in the park you’re either in that blissful and safe stage of domesticity that’s all coffees and Sofia Coppola films at night, or you’re planning to wrench each other’s hearts apart and pray that dog walker wasn’t your sixth form history teacher. One disturbing alternative is to head to a graveyard instead. Hackney Church is quiet and secluded with plenty of benches and winding paths from which to gesticulate and look to the heavens. Even better is that it’s where you’ll find the Mexican kiosk, Bad Manners. Which may live up to its name if you’re spotted stuffing juicy birria tacos into your mouth just moments after being ‘heartbroken’.
photo credit: Aleksandra Boruch
They’re north, you’re south. They’re a ketchup person, you like HP. They won’t say how they voted and, well, you know what that means. It was never going to work. Still, you’ll always have Yada’s. The Kurdish restaurant is handily located right by Peckham Rye station so, whichever direction your journey home is, you should get yourself a sensational shawarma. It’s also BYOB so, depending on how amicable this whole thing is, maybe you can have a drink. Or wait around and get a few mates along to settle in for a falafel-filled debrief afterwards.
photo credit: Aleksandra Boruch
We’re not saying that it would be easier if you could customise your relationship like you can the chocolate drinks at Knoops. But would having a partner who’s smooth and rich, with the right sweet-salty balance be such a bad thing? This Richmond cafe will remind you that your relationship just needed some added spice, as you stare longingly at the nutmeg you forgot to ask for in your hot chocolate. Post break-up, as you wander around Richmond Park like a lovesick Jane Austen character, ask yourself: did they ever make you feel as good as the oversized marshmallow bobbing about in your tailor-made drink? Didn’t think so.
photo credit: Rob Greig
You know what makes a break-up chat better? Fried chicken. Even better, this fried chicken comes sandwiched between soft sturdy buns, is slathered in garlic butter and parmesan, and is juicy—like the debrief you’ll have with your friends later. The chicken shop-like menu at Other Side Fried is short and to the point, which should serve as inspiration for this chat. The hard stool seating works well for encouraging your soon-to-be-ex not to linger. And the loud club music will drown out any sassy comebacks they might have. Bonus points for being close enough to Brixton station to make a very quick exit if needs be.
photo credit: Aleksandra Boruch
From births to break-ups, if EastEnders has taught us anything, it’s that bars are the perfect venue for a dramatic moment. Gibney’s, an Irish bar in Old Street, is dimly lit so if you do manage to squeeze out a few tears (the Oscar is in the post), the people across from you will never know. It’s also an incredibly friendly spot which makes it ideal for shooing your (now) ex partner away and making friends with the regulars. And, if the break-up is leaving a bad taste in your mouth, just take another sip of your pint—the Guinness here is some of the best in London.
photo credit: Aleksandra Boruch
You mentally checked out of this relationship a few months back. Is that bad? Maybe, but at least you’ve got all the crying out of the way. Send them a cryptic text about meeting by the taco bench, and grab a seat at this Fulham taqueria’s table out front. Blame the scenes of SW6 on your lack of eye contact—if you’re lucky some distraction will happen across the road and you’ll get some live entertainment while you mainline a baja fish taco. Let them say their piece, occasionally nod, and wait until they’re out of eyeshot before you go back and order a chicken fajita taco to go.
Breaking up with someone at Toklas Bakery tells them a few things. Firstly, they no longer qualify for the prime time weekend slot, which is why they’re being broken up with on a Tuesday at 3pm. Secondly, you look extremely sexy eating a tahini cookie. And thirdly, you’ve got excellent taste, so they’re definitely the problem. This bakery and cafe on the Strand lets you pay before you sit, has plenty of spacious seating, and is filled with the glorious smell of pastry and cinnamon that does a good job of softening the blow.
One chicken curry puff from this Singaporean spot in Covent Garden will bring you more comfort than your entire three-year relationship. Despite the fact it’s taken you that long to realise that fact, this potato, chicken, and egg-stuffed pastry will help. Grab a table by the window, keep your voices down (it’s a small place), and block their number as you scoff a beef rendang curry puff on your way to the station.
