CHIFeature
So You Got Dumped
You got dumped, but the world isn't over. Here's how to recover with food.
You didn’t see it coming. Or maybe it was a long time coming. Either way, you’re single now, and life as you know it is over. Word of advice - this is great f*cking news. You’re better off. You didn’t need him/her. As your new therapist and old trusted restaurant recommender, we’re here to tell you to take advantage of your new found freedom - in the form of eating.
You may be saying to yourself that’s a terrible idea, I put on weight during this relationship. But being slightly rotund and drunk all the time was once a sign of wealth and high society, a trend we’re trying to bring back and you should too. So get out there, maybe squeeze in a SoulCycle class, and have fun while you discover the better version of you. Here are the progressive steps on where to eat and drink if you just got dumped.
RESERVE A TABLE
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We once broke up with someone over pizza at Frasca. Sh*t went down as soon as soon as we sat, and tensions were so high knives were taken off the table. But then the pizza came, and it was so good we both stuck around. As we parted ways forever, we remarked what a lovely evening it had been. Thanks, Frasca.
Because whatever, you’ll do what you want. Double with bacon and a concrete with cookie dough. Make that two doubles and add a cheese fries.
Slowly, you’ll be willing to venture out. And when you do, you need a place to sit and unwind with your friends, possibly in a robe. Pequod’s is the place for you. Get drinks, get excellent deep dish pizza, and talk as bad as you want about your former significant other. This is the trust tree, you’re in the Pequod’s nest.
More specifically, Bub City on a Tuesday night. Emotions can be confusing. Why does it make us feel better to ruthlessly make fun of others? If you can’t relate, then you probably haven’t been to karaoke night at Bub City. It’s the best kept secret for hilarious people watching, and by that we mean judging the sh*t out of everyone. Make fun of other people to feel better about yourself.
The best way to get over a relationship is to have a good one night stand, and Parlor can be the slightly more sophisticated version of the Hanggee-Uppe to help you do that. And you’re a slightly sophisticated person. You live alone. You pay your own bills. Mom doesn’t do anything for you anymore other than make your doctors appointments. Post up for a late pizza dinner in the bar area and build up the confidence to talk to people as the later crowd starts to roll in.
8.6
You’re finally starting to return to your former self. You’ve already been out with friends. They’ve comforted you and you’re sick of waiting around for plans. Strut your *ss to Au Cheval solo and aggressively claim a seat at the bar. Don’t even consider this an attempt at meeting someone. Consider this proof of your internal confidence to hit the town for a drink and burger. Talking to others comes later, unless you count whispering sweet nothings to the best burger in town.
You relapsed. You’re not sophisticated. You're figuratively and literally livin' on a prayer.
Gentlemen - listen up. Weekend afternoons at the 3 Arts Club Cafe is where ladies go to drink Champagne, so you might as well consider this speed dating. We know what you’re thinking - this place is full of couples looking to buy furniture for their new baby and home. Wrong. The last thing a couple shopping for furniture wants to do is sit down together for lunch at a goddamn Restoration Hardware. Nightmare city. That’s why the cafe is full of single women, and afternoon’s are a much easier time to approach people, especially people who have been drinking champagne. If you strike out, the food is fantastic and there are plenty of comfortable couches to nap.
This spot is Permanently Closed.
You’re ready to get back in the dating world but you haven’t been on a first date in years. What should you wear? Do you smell ok? Is chivalry dead? We dunno! But we hope you smell ok, and we do know the classy bar atmosphere at Cold Storage is a good place to break the ice. You can go just for drinks and free chips with the option of transitioning into small plates if the feeling is mutual. If there are no feels, get out, quick.
If you’ve made it this far, congrats! You’re officially back in the game, and we have a few ideas for other First/Early In The Game Dates.