Chateau ZZ's

It’s not on the menu, but there’s a good chance your server will suggest the tableside guacamole. Except it’s not really guacamole (and also not prepared tableside). It’s drowning in olive oil, covered in a small herb salad, and tastes like pesto. The avocado concoction isn’t bad, but it’s as Mexican as the Colosseum and tells you everything you need to know about Chateau ZZ’s. 

This isn’t a Mexican restaurant. It’s an Italian-American impersonator. And the only way to not be driven mad by the food here, which is occasionally tasty and frequently confusing, is to question everything this restaurant tells you. 

photo credit: Virginia Otazo

It’s best to approach Chateau ZZ’s with equal parts skepticism and amusement. After all, this alleged Mexican restaurant sits inside a Brickell mansion designed to look like a French chateau. Navigating the labyrinth of dining rooms requires some nimble hip-swiveling past tiger print chairs, a giant mortar (that’s where the guacamole is actually prepared), and servers in spearmint jackets. If your tolerance for jungle wallpaper is low, kindly ask for a table in the outdoor solarium—a greenhouse with flower petal chandeliers and a chessboard floor. 

There is hope at the beginning of the meal in the form of good appetizers, like the refreshing michelada oysters and various tostadas. If eating at the bar was allowed, we’d order some sipping tequila (because the $22 cocktails are disappointing), and snack on these all night. But that’s not allowed, and entrees are where things start to go downhill—if you follow their unnecessary instructions to make tacos out of the main dishes.

photo credit: Cleveland Jennings / @eatthecanvasllc

There’s a path to a good meal here if you stick to appetizers and ignore the restaurant’s own advice. Chateau ZZ’s has a theory that a side of tortillas can turn any entree into a taco. But the only thing those chewy tortillas manage to do is mask the flavor of perfectly good food. Send those leathery abominations back and enjoy dishes like the crunchy porchetta without them.

Chateau ZZ’s is tied with Contessa for Miami’s least obnoxious Major Food Group restaurant. But it could’ve been one of our favorite places in Brickell if it didn’t get in its own way. This hospitality group has a knack for opening spots that test people’s tolerance of excess. Those restaurants rely on striking decor that’s exaggerated, bold, and borderline gaudy. But when that same method is applied to food with little regard for flavor or respect for cuisine, it’s much harder to stomach. 

Our imaginations (and taste buds) have a limit to how far we’re willing to suffer through lazy impersonations. We bet the New York-based Major Food Group would be just as upset if someone splashed tomato sauce on a quesadilla and tried to call it New York pizza.

Food Rundown

Martini

The drink menu has only two options: cocktails with tequila or cocktails with mezcal. Curiosity might lead you to order the mezcal martini with green bell pepper. Don’t—it tastes like bath water and despair.

photo credit: Virginia Otazo

Guacamole

We’ve said enough about the guacamole. Order it if you like pesto.

photo credit: Ryan Pfeffer

Michelada Oysters

If you like clamato in your bloody mary, this is a step up from that. It tastes like double-fisting oysters and a michelada on a hot beach day, and we love it.

photo credit: Virginia Otazo

Spicy Tuna Tostadas

All of Chateau ZZ’s tostadas are a great way to start dinner. But the standout spicy tuna tostada comes with a thin layer of tuna that’s fresh, creative, and will kick your salivary glands into high gear.

photo credit: Virginia Otazo

Sweet Corn Elote

Because there’s no menu description whatsoever, you’d probably expect this to be a corn on the cob situation with salty cheese and tajin. Instead, you’re getting grilled baby corn. It’s tangy, covered in cheese, cilantro, and definitely not what you’d expect. But we’d be lying if we said it wasn’t amusing and delicious.

photo credit: Virginia Otazo

Crispy Porchetta

This is one of those entrees that has no business being a taco. The porchetta is wrapped into a gorgeous brown meat coil that melts in all the right places and crunches in the other. The only thing we’d do to “make this Mexican” is add some adobo sauce and green salsa from the giant tray of sauces that comes with it.

photo credit: Ryan Pfeffer

Spicy Lobster Fideos

There’s very little lobster meat in this lobster fideos, which costs well over $100. Its intact carcass arrives lounging in a bath of mushy noodles. Instead of browned and crispy on the bottom, they’re stuck to the pan like food on a plate that’s been soaking in your sink for days.